Opinions/Canadian Copywriter

When Brian Mulroney took over the leadership of the Progressive Conservative Party, we remember wondering how such a travesty of justice could possibly occur -- because we saw him as a man who was constantly entranced by the government trough and the trappings of government since the day he entered the political spotlight. Sure, he gave us Free Trade (which has worked out well -- yet we believe that Free Trade was more a product of the tenacity of the dearly departed Simon Reisman) and then he gave us the GST (which has not worked out so well). And he's also given us a lot of other things such as Meech Lake which was an enormous waste of time and money. Then, he sued Canada and won $2.5 million. And now, with Karl Hans Schreiber, he's accepted thousands of dollars from private business under the table and left Canadians with legal bills to the tune of $2 million dollars to prove his innocence (which hasn't been proven at all). A federal judge had found him guilty of tampering and lying to the courts -- yet nobody prosecuted this guy! He got away with it! He is living a comfortable life as a millionaire in his mansion in Palm Springs, Florida almost a stone's throw from Donald Trump's mansion. Apparently, these two masters of illusion enjoy each other's ability to dupe the world. What a surprise!Hell, the guy doesn't even live in Canada anymore. We're all freezing our butts off while Mr. "Privileged" basks in the sun. With all the money he's earned over his career, he should be very well off and not needing to rely on lobbyists to pay him under the table. Surely we're not political pundits but from the very beginning, we saw Brian Mulroney as a man who was intent on enriching himself at the expense of taxpayers and we believe we were right. Mr. Mulroney was a fake from the start and his career will always pale in comparison to the real statesmen such as Pierre Trudeau, Robert Stanfield, Joe Clark and Lester Pearson. He has lived the high life and has been nothing but a money drain on Canada, which is especially reprehensible given the state of our economy today. But watch out! You'd better not complain -- because Mr. Mulroney may be lurking around the corner, just waiting to slap a lawsuit on you. We believe that Mr. Mulroney's legacy to the Canadian people is that "it's our responsibility to get out and vote to keep these narcissistic self-indulgent carpetbaggers (usually a bunch of creepy lawyers with gold bracelets and Rolex watches on their wrists who prey on the human condition) from holding public office.


Here's another Conservative who is equally consumed by power and all too willing to endorse dirty politics to maintain power. Mr. Harper has approved many campaigns which air on TV and trash his oppponents -- attacking their weak spot in every way possible. Okay, we know that politics isn't pretty, but we wonder why the attacks had to be so vociferous. What he did to Stephen Dionne was inexcusable (while we at the Canadian Copywriter don't think Mr. Dionne would have been an outstanding Prime Minister, we also believe that he didn't deserve to be characterized as a "stuttering baboon" in paid TV advertising. We suspect that it's a defensive tactic -- trying to cover up Mr. Harper's own weaknesses, for example, Mr. Harper who is supposed to be a brilliant economist refused to recognize the fact that Canada was heading for (and is now entrenched) in one of the most debillitating economic situations that has ever faced our country. We aren't economists -- but we saw it coming for a long time! Mr. Harper, Canadian politics has turned into an extremely nasty business! Thanks to Mr. Harper, the opportunity to debate the issues in a civilized, Canadian way has faded -- and the new opportunity has now been invested in the media and the people who have the money to buy commercials which, unfortunately, our weak Canadian media allows anyone to say anything (as long as they have the bucks). The evidence keeps mounting. In the 2011 Canadian election, one of Mr. Harper's ex-cabinet members, Helena Guergis, who had been turfed out of the cabinet for reasons she didn't understand, investigated her case and found out that she had been completely exonerated by the R.C.M.P. of any wrongdoing. Apparently, it seems, her only wrongdoing was being a little too critical of Mr. Harper. So what happened, Mr. Harper? What happened, Canada? Is an intelligent discussion of the issues no longer possible? Has parliamentary debate and politics in general degenerated to nothing more than a parliamentary playground of shouting, finger-pointing and demanding that everybody else in the entire house resign? Have you descended to the point where you must have everyboy around you controlling and intimidating the Canadian people? There's a guy in the Middle East who has done that for years (although we hasten to add that you are not on his level, but then again????) Has the P.M.O. degenenerated to a P.R. campaign -- where an arrogant P.M. is convinced by a hyper-active PR department to dress himself in a sweater, sit in front of a fireplace and cuddle a little putty-tat in order to refute the opposition's claims that he's inhuman? Isn't that a bit obvious? Dear Canada: let's get back to intelligent thinking. Let's let the inmates in the asylum know that the Oscars don't have a category for "Canadian politician!"


Michael Ignatieff brought his incredibly brilliant mind to Canada -- but seems to have overlooked the fact that we're not all as brilliant as he is. He was definitely a better replacement to Stephen Dionne. Like Stephen Harper, he knows all about the mechanisms of government -- but he can't seem to use simple language to get his message across. He really blew it in the leadership debate when he haughtily dismissed Jack Layton and the NDP as never being able to form a government. Pomposity doesn' t work, Mr. Igantieff. We predict that your party will come in a solid third in the upcoming Canadian election -- and you'll be heading back to the United States...where once again you'll terrorize the students at Yale with your unbelievably brilliant mind. We also predict that you will probably never be heard from again.

Suddenly, we, as Canadian taxpayers, own a part of General Motors. So, how should we run the company? Should we run it in the same way it's been run in the past -- or should we actually get down to listening to what people want? Should we constantly lobby the government and challenge everybody who's had an accident in our cars and then turn around and promote the gas-guzzling Hummer and SUV's as the cars of the future -- or should we realize that tonnes of metal and litre upon litre of fossil fuel to transport one person to the grocery store is totally absurd? What were these pretty boys thinking? Should we not press on with the electric cars that GM promoted in the 90's and then seemed to totally forget? This company kept promising fuel-efficient cars year after year, but then delivered nothing! No wonder they went broke!

When we say displaced managers, we're talking about people who have worked in other industries, then transplanted themselves into another industry. Usually, they're impressive at the beginning -- but as time wears on, the employees begin to realize that the so-called "manager" knows very little about the industry that s/he is now engaged in. Typically, these transplanted managers avoid doing the actual work that the company engages in and prefer instead to hide behind the dozens of meetings that s/he initiates every day. Meetings are important, of course, because everyone should be "on the same page", but when a manager initiates dozens of needless meetings every day, there is little likelihood that the actual work is actually getting done. This "YAK YAK YAK" phenomenon is happening throughout thousands of industries in Canada every day. Blah, blah, blah. Completely useless


Jerry Bruckheimer? Who is this guy? Whoever he is, he must have a triple A personality, because everywhere you look these days in the media, there's his name. At last count, we've tallied that Jerry Bruckheimer is producing over 300 shows per day, which includes TV, movies, DVD's, advertising and everything else in the communications industry.



How many times have we made a call to someone -- and they're not there? Then, when the "answering machine lady" comes on, she tells us that the mail box is full and we cannot leave a message? So how do we get in touch with the people we want to get in touch with? How can we talk to a real person? And if we are able to leave a message, what's the chances that they'll call back. Where is everybody?


How could this dufus ever become Commissioner of the National Hockey League when he has absolutely no understanding of marketing! For years, this guy has been pushing for expansion into the U.S. Southern markets, yet all the Southern U.S. teams are losing money hand over fist. Why would he insist on selling hockey to a market where the only ice that the locals know is the ice that's in their mint juleps? In marketing, the rule is "fish where the fish are". If you go outside your territory, you're going to lose big time! And now he's trying to block this Balsillie guy -- and his move to Hamilton (where the fish are swimming in huge, massive schools -- and where the NHL could make money and revive their image). It leaves us completely stunned that Garry Ballsillie has gone on to such great heights. Our only conclusion is that this guy must definitely be able to kiss a lot of butt at cocktail parties!
David Suzuki
Okay, we sort of like David Suzuki. He does cute documentaries about cuddly panda bears in China (which, by the way, would viciously rip you apart, chew your face off, tear your heart out of its chest cavity, kill you, then eat you if you were in the same room with them) and wierd-looking insects in South America -- all of which achieve an "Aww. Isn't that kinda warm and cuddly" factor . However, lately, his opinions about our environment are getting in the way of Canada's prosperity during a recession. Let's put it this way. During a recession, flora and fauna kind of take a back seat to human beings. Human beings are far more important than plants. Unfortunately, unlike a Manta Ray or a Chimpanzee, they are required to make money -- to feed their families. Lately, it's been very tough to do that -- but Mr. Suzuki believes that a puffin covered in oil from an oil spill is sadder than a single mother who is breaking her back and working two minimum wage jobs to feed her kids. In our opinion, the mother's situation is much sadder -- BECAUSE SHE HAPPENS TO BE A HUMAN BEING. Hey, David, get with the program!!! Humans beat puffins in the socialogical order. Canada is rich in oil. The world WANTS AND NEEDS oil. Certainly, we must work to get away from oil and other carbons because we now know what they are doing to the environment, but, unfortunately, the world has locked itself into a carbon environment. So, for the time being, you are getting in the way of Canada selling oil. YOU ARE GETTING IN THE WAY OF PEOPLE EARNING A LIVING. YOU ARE GETTING IN THE WAY OF JOBS!!!! So, hey David, why don`t you go out and hug a tree. Try a pine tree! Let us know if the pine tree hugs you back. Chances are, you'll probably be stuck to it -- pine tar sort of has that effect, don't you know?
Julian Fantino -- Do you have any idea, any idea at all who I am? Well, let me just tell you, buddy boy , let me just paint you a picture, buddy boy, (shaking his finger at me) I am Julian Fantino, and, to my way of thinking, I am probably one of the most important people on the planet! I am an incredibly important person and I am entitled to the largest piece of the pie that I can get. You have absolutely no idea of how important I am (that's aside from Senators Mike Duffy and Patrick Brazeau).
Speaking of Patrick Brazeau, he was once a Canadian Senator. When he was found as yet another politician who was sticking his fingers in the Great Canadian Till, he was suspended from the "Upper Chamber". He had to find a job fast -- so he wound up as the Manager of a strip club in Montreal. What the F? Mr. Harper, you sure you know how to pick 'em
All we can wonder is why it took the Canadian public so long to realize that Mike Duffy was also sticking his fingers in the Great Canadian Piggy Bank? The guy has always been the perfect candidate: witness his sucking up to every PM he has ever known.
Well, HI THERE. I'm Jian Ghomeshi-- and I am MR. WONDERFUL. When you listen to my radio show, it's quite obvious that I know everything about the arts. (Oh, excuse me, yes, I guess you're right. It's my old radio show, (I sort of got "canned") by the know-everything oligarchy. However, I must say that everything I said was incredibly brilliant. I suppose my libido and ego sort of got in the way.Okay, okay, so I had a bit of a kinky side. Hey, how was I supposed to know that would be a problem!!! WTF! What you people don't realize is that the male is wired biologically to beat women up during sex. NO? Oh Okay. Sorry. Thought it was a good thing. Not a bad thing.
Conrad Black? Meh! Check out our Conrad Black page at Why Conrad Black Should Be Busted Out of the Hoosegow!
Ontario teachers! Everytime we turn around, Ontario's teachers are bellyaching about their jobs and always ready to go on strike. They want higher wages, they want smaller classes. And it goes on and on and on. We think their constant bellyaching is because they've been teachers all their life and haven't learned a whole lot about what real life is about.
Guns. If ever there was a dumb invention in the history of the world, the hand gun definitely takes "the cake", so to speak. Okay, the long gun we understand!. It was designed for hunters and rural folk who are trying to protect their property (and, in many cases, their lives). But the hand gun? The assault rifle? What were these two little depressing beauties designed for? Other than a doorstop there is absolutely no secondary use for these schmuck things. The fact is, they were designed for one purpose and one purpose alone. They were designed for killing people. The assault rifle was designed not only for killing people, but ripping their bodies to pieces -- like the kids at Sandy Hook. Giving ordinary citizens the right to own handguns or, even worse, assault rifles, is as stupid is as stupid gets. For more information about our completely rabid opposition to guns, please visit The Canadian Copywriter's Opinion On Guns or go to our National Stick Association web site
Rogers Communications. If ever there was a company that was completely dedicated to greed and money and ripping off everybody, that company has got to be Rogers Communications. Self aggrandisement seems to also be a characteristic of this terrible "money first, quality last" organization. Ted Rogers inherited a million dollars and and turned it into more millions by using deception...and his legacy lives on in this company today. This company absolutely stinks of greed. What this rat-infested company does is trap the consumer. It traps the consumer with its tricky "terms of conditions" which is a 40 page PDF document that is printed in 7 point type which relies on the fact that few people are smart enough or are just plain lazy or don't have the time to read its terms of conditions, Rogers Communications is a complete disgrace to the Canadian economy and, hopefully, the people of Canada will put this "rip off" company out of business forever.
Rob Ford. Rob Ford inherited his fortune from his father. The company makes labels. Since labels are so important in life, (you see, everybody need labels to identify what is what. We need to identify stuff. We need to identify sugar from starch, olives from pickled eggs, etcetera, etcetera), so Rob Ford's father appealed to humanity's basic needs to identify stuff and became a millionaire. His sons carried on with the tradition and kept making labels. Hey, everybody needs labels. Labels are important in life.
Monsanto is a company that is based on chemicals that alter life. Their products will either alter life or destroy life altogether. Monsanto is the company that developed Agent Orange, which is the chemical that is used in Napalm. Does anyone remember all those bodies viciously seered by flames in Viet Nam?

Monsanto developed Agent Orange, a nifty little idea that just happens to burns flesh.
Yup. That was those good ole Monsanto chemists who came up with that super-nifty little idea. Do you also remember those big green generator boxes on hydro poles. The green guck inside them was developed by Monsanto. Turns out that exposure to the chemicals in those boxes causes cancer. Monsanto also developed Roundup, which kills milkweed on the sides of our highways and biways. Trouble is, Monarch butterflies

Have you seen any of these butterflies lately? No? Okay, well you can thank Monsanto!
only lay their eggs on milkweed. If there are no milkweed plants around, there are no Monarch butterflies. When was the last time you saw a Monarch butterfly? So what has Monsanto done to improve life? Give us a dingle if you have any ideas.
The Niquab. At the Canadian Copywriter, we are pretty much in agreement that the niquab is the creepiest garment that was ever invented! However, we believe fervently in religious freedom, and condemn those who "hate" because they can't understand. On the other hand, we are bewildered (We suppose that's the Westerner in us) to understand a religion that requires people to cover their face and their body in black -- and we are equally unable to understand why a woman would agree with this concept and walk around appearing as though she was a ghost from PacMan. Around the world, in most cultures, women dress to be attractive, not the other way around. We can't believe the Niquab is comfortable, especially in hot temperatures. But, hey, whatever floats your boat, right?
Paul Colandra. Hey, Canada! We would like you to meet the ultimate in bullshit politicians. Paul Colandra has got double-speak down to an exact science. When Paul speaks, he creates a fog. When he thinks, the fog he creates is in his own mind. When he talks about his leader, he gushes like a sycophant. When you try to question him on his policies, it's like trying to nail Jello to a wall. He ducks, he dodges, he keeps his own personal ambitions in mind and yes, he is the ultimate politician who is exactly what Canada doesn't need! There are so many good politicians out there (in my experience, Frank Klees was one of them (he was a Conservative, but what the hell, I liked him. He did everything possible to help me in my time of need. I won't vote for him, only because he probably got frustrated about not winning the Ontario Conservative Party leadership and resigned) who do everything possible to buck the system and help their constituents and Canada -- and they are the good politicians. What I don't like is politicians who will do everything possible to help themselves. Are you listening, Mr. Duffy?
Justin Trudeau is our New Prime Minister. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I once shook his father's hand (which is something I will always remember). I hope someday to shake his scion's hand. In the recent October election, I liked Mr. Trudeau's thoughts on the deficit -- only because Canada has to stop arguing and working again -- improving infrastructure, building highways, etc. Canada needs people who are willing to pick up a shovel and work. (Canada doesn't need people who are studying s every day and trying to make a quick buck!)
So, Kevin O'Leary has decided to run for the leadership of the federal Conservative party. Would he be good for Canada or would Kevin O'Leary only be good for Kevin O'Leary? It's kind of a no brainer. So far, Kevin O'Leary seems to be a self-involved TV personality who has come up with some pretty nasty ideas in his dogged, greedy quest for money. Does anyone remember when he told Amanda Lang on the CBC television show "The Lang O'Leary Exchange" that the people of Africa should pull themselves up by their boot straps and learn how to become millionaires? Well, Mr. O'Leary, if that's your idea of capitalism and democracy and just being a decent human being, we're afraid that you have totally missed the mark. Still, this guy is licking his chops to get even more money. Lately, he focused his sights on government work. He ran for the head of the Conservative Party, but when the French heard his version of their language, they said "Chalise. Tabarnac. Kevin doesn't speak French very well. He only speaks money. "Check out his website: it says "He's On Your Money's Side". So far, it seems that he is only on the side of his own money. So the question is: "Is Kevin O'Leary really interested in helping Canada or is Kevin O'Leary only interested in helping himself! My guess is he is only in it for himself!
The Koch Brothers.

These guys have become billionaires, the second richest family in America, by peddling their fossil-fuel products throughout the world. Their company is the second largest company in the United States, behind Cargill (hey, who would have thought a company that sells seeds would be the largest company in North America). I kind of thought the Walmart family would have been there. Anyway, let's get back to the Koch brothers. They claim that there is no such thing as climate change (even though thousands of scientists and most world leaders are telling us that climate change is, indeed, a fact.) But these two greedy jerks cower in real fear of losing their money! So they are claiming that "there's no such thing as climate change,So they're buying up as many idiotic and money hungry Republicans as possible to agree with their position that Climate Change is a Lie. Wow, in the face of so much evidence, I wonder what their motivation is?
Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin is basically what we could call a "yahoo" who loves life, guns, snowmobiles and hockey. Her "love of life" and "perkiness" inspired John McCain to choose her as his vice-presidential running mate in the 2012 election. She appealed to America's deep-seated desire to own guns, stay a violent warring nation, shoot at anything that moves, praise God, hold a gun in one hand and a bible in the other and ride snowmobiles (she lives in Alaska. Who would have thought?). She lost the election, fortunately.
Beaver Tails

For the past several winters, me and my cute-as-a-button little girls would travel to Ottawa, our nation's capitol, to attend Winterlude. We would skate up and down the frozen Rideau Canal like three crazy, whacked-out nutty people, skating and skating until we finally collapsed into a snow bank, laughing at ourselves. Anyway, let's get back to the subject at hand: A beaver tail is a fine piece of pastry coated in butter and fried in canola oil, loaded with cinnamon and topped with honey or hazelnut chocolate. It's a delicious and comfortable treat on a frosty Canadian morning. Nothing beats a skate on a frosty morning on the Rideau Canal with your favourite little ladies and finishing up the day with a piping hot cup of hot chocolate and a beaver tail.
Racists are Idiots.

I just spent an afternoon with a gigantic jerk who has a habit of calling people who are not of his colour "niggers", "towel heads", "wops". I have dealt with this guy for four months and he is so incredibly boring and so incredibly racist that he makes me want to vomit. Worst of all, he doesn't even realize that he is super boring and super idiotic. He is over sixty years old, yet he talks like he is a juvenile. For some reason (and I have no idea why), this guy likes me (and wants to communicate with me), but his opinions about other people are incredibly hateful and they really suck. I didn't want to express my opinion because I didn't want to be up against a wall once again arguing with somebody who metaphorically has a "death grip" on idiocy.
Telemarketers.

Nothing is more annoying than sitting down to a fine meal that my wife cooked, then having to get up and answer the phone when somebody with a distinctive Indian accent says "Hi. How are you today?" and then starts talking about the necessity of having my furnace ducts cleaned or contributing to some charity that I have never heard of.
Donald Trump

We suppose that we have no other alternative other than to congratulate Donald Trump. The man has always boasted that he is a winner. Now, sadly enough, it looks like he is exactly that: a winner. Sadly, this lying bullshit artist has now become the first "fake" President of the United States. George Washington, who was the first President of the United States said he would "never tell a lie". Now, this man who is the 45th President of the United States says "Hey, what's wrong with a lie? A lie is good, folks." There has never been a President of the United States who has been more fake than this incredibly FAKE President Donald Trump. His campaign sounded like it was picked directly from the National Enquirer. In his campaign, he promised a very cynical ban on Muslims (that didn't work) and then promised to repeal and replace ObamaCare (that didn't work either) and now he's promising to reform the tax code (so rich, narcissistic bullies and bullshit artists like him can get even richer. Our only hope is that his miserable, self-indulgent plan won't work either.)
San Luis Obispo

One of the nicest places on the planet has got to be San Luis Obispo in one of the most beautiful places on earth: California. To the people of California, I say: "Would it all be possible if you allowed us, in Canada, to annex your state? (Heck, you don't like Trump, neither do we, so why don't you have a referundum? Let's call it Trexit (Trump exit)."

Part Source

Part Source is the worst place on the planet Earth (and by extension, the universe) to work. I would rather work in a salt mine or a coal mine (and breathe in coal dust that will eventually give me mesothelioma and die a painful death) or in the stinking sewers of a big city is a far more satsifying job than working with Part Source. Why? It's retail work and, of course, retail workers are always paid the lowest. Part Source is a company that will happily pay you a minimum wage to work your butt off. They will call you a part time worker -- so they don't have to pay benefits. What's even worse, if the manager sees you "not working", they are required to find something for you "to do" -- which is usually something demeaning and far outside of your expertise. Their management ethos is "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean". They will also limit your employment to 24 hours per week (to make doubly sure that you are not only worked to death but also starved to death). Canadian Tire is their parent company, so that means they are a huge company filled with "brilliant suits" who must report to their shareholders. So that means that the company sycophants will throw you under the bus to do whatever it takes to please their bosses. The real trouble with this company is that they hire idiots only who have no idea that they are idiots, yet they will tow the company line and never question the logic of the company line. Do you really want a job at Part Source? Stand down, my friend and do yourself a favour. Instead, why do't you dive into a swimming pool filled with brainless sharks. That will give you a good understanding of what it will be like to work for Part Source. If it's not a satisfying experience for you, let us know and take a pass on this bunch of morons.
Tom Cochrane

Tom Cochrane is a Canadian singer/songwriter who wrote and performed his biggest hit:"Life is A Highway". This song was covered by a band by the name of Rascal Flatts in the United States and most Americans believe that Tom Cochrane did a "rather poor cover" of their song. The complete opposite is true, however. Tom Cochrane wrote the song and performed it to perfection (Click here to see it.)Quite honestly, the Rascall Flatt's version sounds like it was performed by the "Archies".


The Stock Market

All the evil in the world finds its roots in money, whereas all the tragedy in the world finds its real roots in religion. But, when we're talking about money, is the place where the worst in the human condition finds its happy place. All those traders running around, screaming at each other, creating unpleasant scenes, all in the name of money.


Canadian Universities and Colleges

Canadian Universities are also the ultimate in "bullshit artists". They are all too willing to bring you into their "hallowed" halls of learning" for, of course, an enormous amount of money, then they will dictate to you what you should do with your life. They will insist that you take courses that you have no interest in. They will tell you that you have to take these courses in order to make you a "well-rounded" person (the English Professors are especially guilty of this tactic). If you listen to these supposedly "elite" "super brain" academics, they will steer you in the exact opposite direction of where you want to be (and, remember they took a lot of your money so that they could all the way to the bank). Also, remember that you have to make money. Turn things around on these "blood-sucking" bastards.
Indigeonous People

It is no secret that Canada has not done well with its indigeonous people. It seems that religion and intolerance has once again reared its ugly head (isn't it crazy that religion and intolerance are responsible for millions of deaths throughout history?) Many of the stories that have come out about residential schools in Canada are enough to make your blood curdle. What was done to Canada's indigeonous nation is inexcusable, but what we at the Canadian Copywriter hope for is a time to understand our differences and work together for a better, kinder world. Is it possible? Meh.