Pictured to the left is a male model who just happens to possess
dashing, handsome good looks and probably owns an expensive watch
(we can't see his wrists
so we'll just have to assume that he owns an expensive watch which is probably
a knock-off of a
Rolex watch that was made in China). Anyway, he is exactly the man that your woman is
trying to change you
into. GENTLEMEN, at all costs, it would do you well
to resist your lady's
efforts. Just remember that it's better
to look like a sloppy geek with a beer belly and a pimple on the end of
your nose rather than a good-looking but incredibly shallow rakish idiot who is constantly posting pictures of himself
on Facebook. By the way, have
you ever noticed that these guys never upload pictures of the countryside or their kids.
They're always uploading
pictures of themselves, wearing sunglasses, and then
brag incessantly about their
accomplishments -- but hey that's beside the point. Let's get on with the things
that you really want to know about: the male animal..
Okay, guys! Isn't it time that we just sort of got down to business here? Isn't it time that we realized that women have their own personal and very sordid agenda -- and that they have their own incredibly frightening way of doing things. Women are people who like neatness. They like cleanliness. In short, they like order. They also happen to be very sensitive people who like to cuddle, hold hands and walk on the beach, gazing at sunsets. I mean what the heck is that all about? It's the sun. The thing sets! It's been setting for millions of years! What the heck is so special about that?
Women also enjoy getting together with other women and talking about recipes or other things such as how to preserve fruit when it's past its due date or how to check out a guy without looking directly at his penis. They are definitely not fond of getting together with other women to chuggalug thirty beers, puke their guts out -- then be found by the cops the next morning with their face down in a neighbour's vegetable garden. Well, hey, uh, knock, knock! HELLO! Here's a BULLETIN: that happens to be strictly a guy's domain, so I'm afraid that that particular fact leaves me with no other option other than to say: "What's so wrong about that?"
Another enigmatic little quirk about women is that they are also not so hot on men who wear socks with sandals. I suppose that looking fashionable isn't exactly the same as feeling comfortable. But, hey guys, isn't it time that we started to hear those alarm bells that are ringing off inside our heads and all around us, because there are some pretty unusual things happening here! The next thing these women will want us to do is paint our toenails. Can you imagine that? A guy walking around town in sandals with his toenails painted pink?? Hey, Not me! NOSIRREEEE! Sure, I wear sandals -- and I must admit that I enjoy wearing them without socks -- but, I can assure you that my toenails are gnarled, tarred and caked with an oily, greasy film of dirt! So that's my way of staying in "Guydom". But I figure that's just my way of standing up for my rights as a guy.
Yes, my friends, the time has long since come and gone when we should have stood up for our rights as a guy. Here are a few other things that we "guys" should have stood up for: "The Three Stooges"were brilliant geniuses. Yes, women despise the "Three Stooges", so that's why we guys like 'em. Always remember, guys, that it was definitely Curly who uttered the most crucial, and, yes, perhaps even the most famous, most important words that have ever been uttered on this planet: Those words were: "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk." When Curly spoke this epiphony, he, had perhaps unknowingly, captured an entire generation of men and given them a fresh perspective on who they really are as a person and what it is really like to be a man! Oh, alright, sure, there's other stuff like respecting women and making sure that every kid on the planet grows up well nourished and feels loved, but those things are sort of peripheral to what we're talking about here.We think. Or are they? Well, anyways, let's get to our next most important point:
Coffee Tables Aren't Really Coffee Tables Unless They Have Beer Bottle Rings All
Yes, here is yet another area where women see red -- however I can definitely assure you that there is nothing wrong with having your feet up on a coffee table and parking your beer beside an ash tray. Go with it, my friend. Trust me on this one, guys. Be strong Always, be strong.
Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to draw your wife's attention to her enormously gigantic butt. Okay, okay. We realize that we may not be being entirely politically correct here and that we may be treading on some thin ice, however, as guys, aren't we the sort of people who love thrills? Isn't this sort of like running with the bulls in Spain -- or in other words, possessing absolutely no brains whatsoever, but succumbing to the effects of 100% pure testosterone coursing through our macho veins). There is a reason, however, for our madness -- and here it is: it's that if you are living with your partner in an intimate relationship, good communication is an essential ingredient in your partnership and, yes, you should always be able to share your innermost, deepest, and yes, even your deepest, darkest secrets with each other. So, go ahead, guys. Let your favourite woman know that you enjoy hanging with her, especially in summer, because her mammoth, gelatinous, fat butt provides several acres of shade. Guys, you've got to trust us on this one. In the very second it takes you to express your truest, most innermost feelings, your newfound courage will spur you to achieve new heights and it will spark some in-depth, intimate conversations. Hey, you wanna know what? We've suddenly become really jazzed about our thinking here. It's dawned on us that we have a very solid feeling here that, if you do this, your love life will change dramatically! Perhaps forever!
|ED NOTE: The opinions of our writers are not necessarily the opinions of the Canadian Copywriter. Lawsuits from women's groups will be accepted, however we do reserve the right to refuse to open the envelope (since there may be anthrax dust in it!).|